Peer Analysis

Read the essay below. Does the writer organize the essay so that the reader can easily understand it?

On our trip we visited two places. We went to the beach at Lake Michigan. We went to Chicago. First, we went to Lake Michigan beach. Before we left the beach we made a fire and roasted some hot dogs. They were really good. When we got there we played with a beach ball swam in the big lake looked for shells and laid on beach towels. I really like lying on the towels in the sun. The towels we laid on was pretty with all sorts of colors.

When we go home from our trip I told my friend all about it. They wished that they could have gone on a trip as cool as mine. I hope that we gets to go on another trip next summer. “Let’s go on another trip mom I said. Do you think we should?” she said. I jumped up and down and yelled, “yes.”

Chicago is a really big city. We went to a museum by the lake that had all sorts of sea animals in it. We saw a show where the dolphins swam around and did some tricks. We also saw fish that were swimming around behind glass cases. Those fish came from all over the world. Later we went to sears tower and took an elevator to the top. It was scary to look down. I like Chicago. 

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48 Responses to Peer Analysis

  1. brittany says:

    NO!!!!!! The auther did not the seconed paragraph belongs at the end he did not have a good lead.

  2. Taylor says:

    No I don’t think the writer did a good job of organization because. In their lead they
    give to much information. What I mean is in the beginning they just go and say, ” On our trip we visited two places.” Well I don’t think they did a good job because… Well all I’m trying to say is that they moved to alot of diffrent places in 1 sentence. So that’s why I said NO!!!!!!

  3. erin says:

    No,the writer did not use good orginisation. In the lines 1 and 2 it says first we went to the baech first the n it says that you went to chicago. after that it says before you left the beach. you had hot dogs then left. Then it says you said you played at the beach. you got home then went to chicago then got home. and the second paragraph belongs last. the first paragraph is just plain confusing. that lead (I’m bored).

  4. Emily says:

    There is not good orginazition in his essay. First of he didn’t use a good lead. When I read “On our trip we visited two places” it didn’t make me want to read on. Who ever wrote it should have used a better lead. It isn’t good orginaziton when the writier talks about the what they did at the end. After that he talked about what they did when they first got there. The writier didn’t use paragraph orginazition. He should have talked about chicagio in the second paragraph. Then talked about getting home last. This is why it’s not good orginization.

  5. Avery says:

    I think this writeing is pretty good. Altho I think Mr. Fowler needs to work on his spelling. I mean come on your a teacher you should teach us how to spell. sutch words as was needs to be changed into were. Also the writer [Mr.fowler] didn’t go in order it starts by saying what they did at the beach and then it says when we got home and starts talking about the beach again.

    [Mr. fowler] needs to work on his writeing.

  6. trevor says:

    The writer had bad organization. Because one of the resens is the lead it’s very bad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  7. Chelsea says:

    I think it was not orginized at all! For example when he said “First we went to Lake Michigan beach. When we left we roasted marsmellos and hot dogs.” He keeps jumping around. it is very confusing.

    His opening sentence is really bad. It is not catchy and dosen’t grab my attenction.

  8. kayler says:

    I think the first sentence says that he went to two places but in the paragraph it says that he went to more than two places. Also in paragraph two it is telling about the ending. That is totally in the wrong spot. That is wy its a NO!

  9. Mr. Fowler says:

    Alright Avery…. I guess I need to work on my writing! I must say though, that I copied that essay from a handout that I received last year. It is not my writing and I put the errors in there on purpose. Nonetheless, I am glad that you guys are proofreading the writing.

    Second, I hear a lot of people saying the lead is bad. However, not one person has provided another, more interesting lead. Remember, if you are going to tell me that my lead is bad, you had better provide suggestions on how to change it.

  10. joey says:

    I agree with Kayler he did say he was going to two different places but he should of said i’m going to two major places.

  11. Krystal says:

    first the second paragrph needs to be moved to the last paragrph!The 3erd line on paragraph 1 needs to be at the end of the paragraph.

  12. Kody says:

    No, The writter has not. they need to Put ina new lead sentence an a wrap up a sentens at the end

  13. Houston says:

    No! The organazition is bad. The lines are a little mix up. The middle sound be the last thing in the sorry and the lead is bad.

  14. niah says:

    No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! First of all the lead is horrible. (No offense to the kid that wrote this story) Second the author should have the second paragraph at the end. In the first paragraph they are at Chicago, in the second paragraph they are home, and then in the last paragraph they are in Chicago again! It was really confusing when the author said: We went to the beach on Lake Michigan. We went to Chicago. First we went to Lake Michigan beach.

  15. Mr. Fowler says:

    One lead that I might put is, “Don’t you hate those boring family holidays? You know, the ones where the car ride seems like it lasts for 15 years! Well, lucky for me, my family recently visited Chicago and Lake Michigan. The trip was amazing!”

    What do you guys think? Would you put something else?

  16. Brittany says:

    NO!!!!! the writter dosn’t organize the essay, for example in the first sentance when it says “On our trip we visted two places.” I would of put “Mom, Dad, and I went to two places on vacation.” And the second paragraph sould be the last paragraph because it talks about if they want to go on vacation. And at the end of the second paragraph I would of put at the end where I would want to go on our next vacation trip.

  17. joey says:

    I think that the second paragraph should be the last paragraph. because the third paragraph is still talking about the trip. And the second paragraph is talking about when he got home. he shouldn’t have done that thatmessed up the whole story that is really bad.

  18. niah says:

    Mr. Fowler you have a very pretty comment.

  19. joey says:

    mr. fowler I like your comment it is really good.

  20. Krystal says:

    The essay needs alote of wor k on it not to mention organzanzation

  21. Austin says:

    I agry with Avery he really does need to work on his selling I mean look at it
    the writer needs to go step by step. what I really mean is that the writer needs
    todo like , first next then and other stuff like that and I gues thats it.

  22. Kavaseiay says:

    I think he needs help with organazation
    because first he needs to organize his 2sentenceces and has to tell were does he want togo for his next vacatioPlus he has spelling errors the word get is spelled wrong instead get it say gets.It also says we saw a show what show?i think the word good needs to be replaced with delicous same with the word pretty should be beautiful also realy should be very.
    organazation and detail.

  23. Angelica says:

    I dont like it because the last 2 sentenses should be switch because when he askes his mom to go again and she seyes yes that should be the very last sentens in the last paragraph.Also when he seyes “we went to Chicago”that should be in sentens 6.When it seyes “we mad a fire and roasted hot dogs”that should be in sentens 5 and I dont think it has a very good lead it should bw more interesting it should but dosent grab the readers attion.

  24. Victoria says:

    You’re right Mr.F….. they need to give details out of the writing! In the lead, the student said,”On our trip we went two places.” They could of said,”On my vacation,I went to two awsome places!” The student really needs to work on their spelling and punctuation also. Their conclusion stunk really bad too. They needto say something like,”I hope Igo back to Chicago.”
    FYI it stunk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  25. Brittany says:

    I agree with Kody the author needs to have a good lead and wrap up the end.

  26. michaela says:

    I think that on the first paragraph they had told you were they went, like ”we went to lake Michigan then we went to chicago”. And then after chicago they told you about lake Michigan and I think that that wase’ntgood enoughf.

  27. christina says:

    No!This essay doesn’t have a clear topic sentence.

  28. Erin says:

    krystal,
    What does this writing need work on? How does the writing not have good orginization?

  29. Zach says:

    No, I belive that this story is not orginized at all. Like it talked about going to Chicogo then going to the next place then back to Chicogo.

  30. Erin says:

    cristina,
    Why does the writer not have a clear topic senctece? Do you have any suggestoins?

  31. Taylor says:

    Dear Niah,
    What did you mean about mr.fowler having a very pretty comment.
    All I’m trying to say is that your comment has nothing to do with the story.
    So what do you really think about the story?

  32. kayler says:

    I don’t agree with Joey because he needs a lot of work! That means that I agree with Avery too. Also Mr. Fowler you do need work I mean come on your a teacher for heavens sake!

  33. christina says:

    That’s a good idea Kayler about what you said!

  34. Trevor says:

    The writer made a very bad story because the writer made it slopy at lest that’s what I think about this story

  35. Erin says:

    Kody,
    Do you have suggestions?

  36. Ryan says:

    The writter stats out with a bad lead beacuse.”On our trip we visted two places.” Now don’t you think thats prety boring I think. So thats why I say NO!!!

  37. peter says:

    Yes,I think he needs a little help with organizaton . because it was kind of hard to read because he didn’t orginize at the bigining I GIVE IT A 3

  38. Erin says:

    Joey,
    major places are new york hollywood washington d.c..

  39. Parker says:

    No the writer did not use good orginizeation. The writer also skips topics alot.

    this is my example:

    “Lets go on another trip mom I said, Do you think we should .” she said I jumped up and down and yelled ” Yes”

    Chicogo is a big place.

  40. Avery says:

    Mr.fowler i’m sorry I was blaming the bad writing on you [altho youwrote it] anyway I guese I should commpare it with my writing because NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO is perfict I mean look at all my o’s I need work you ada send me to schooling jail well look on the bright side if you send me there I wont have any homework unless you tell them to give me homework but if you did I would never talk to you again!

  41. Taylor says:

    Erin,
    What did you think about the story?

  42. Zach says:

    Mr.Fowler,

    why did you talk aboout Lake Micigan then Chicogo?

  43. kayler says:

    Hi Mr. Fowler, whats up? Also You mite want to e-mail my mom about coming in for science because she is a nurse.

  44. austin says:

    NO! because he said that he went to the beach then he says whatnot and said he did something eles than he said that hedid something at the beach I mean can he could of said that what he did at the beach than he could have said what he did in town.

  45. peter says:

    Austin ,He did say in the begining What they did at the beach.

  46. Tess says:

    No, I don’t think the writer did a very good job organizing their writnig. For example when they said they went to the beach they told us some other things then went back to saying what they did at the beach. Another thing is that they should put that last paragraph as the 2 paragraph!!!!!!!!

  47. Wendy says:

    Alot of input, but are there any examples for how the writer should have written?

    P.S. I would love to come in for Science stuff…Ü

  48. Mr. Fowler says:

    Wendy,
    I agree with you completely. It is really easy to tell someone that their writing is good or bad. The most important part (and one that will help improve the writing) is being able to tell people WHAT is good or WHAT is bad. I did notice that Parker made a suggestion on how to change the writing; he gave a specific sentnece or two. However, a lot of other kids have just been putting that “it stinks!” WHY DOES IT STINK???

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